painful – The Daily Opinion

News in Briefs 15/04/12

Are you getting tired of all the dithering at the moment? I certainly am. And we all had a lot of dithering this week as the Government continued to make a massive balls-up of the fuel tanker issues. The UN also managed to continue being as pointless as ever as they are now fighting over whether to send a few people down to Syria to oversee the ceasefire. You would have thought that would have always been part of the deal, right?

Political Oops of the Week

For the Political Oops of the Week, it has to be all about the removal of tax relief on charitable donations. If there’s one thing you never do it’s attack anything to do with charity. It doesn’t matter if these measures are right or wrong because the wider population are generally idiots. They won’t listen to reason. All they will see is ‘Government Attacks Charity!’ and nothing more.

But basically these changes mean that wealthy people who donate to charity to obtain tax relief won’t be able to do it anymore. To target the issue itself, if these wealthy people are so committed to charity then why would they have an issue with these changes? Surely if they are so passionate about giving then they will continue to give anyway?

It’s not as if they don’t have the money to do this. Personally, I believe that many wealthy people who donate to charity are just doing it to avoid tax. And clearly the BBC does too because the article that outlines these changes has a link to the article ‘Most Common Tax Avoidance Schemes’ right next to it.

The Painful…

Sometimes the most painful feeling in the world is the feeling of failure. North Korea’s rocket, which outraged people all around the world, was the embodiment of failure this week as it failed spectacularly.

Originally, North Korea’s rocket was supposed to demonstrate the country’s “mastery over technology”. Well all I have to say is that it certainly didn’t manage to demonstrate any mastery over anything after that humiliation. In short, the rocket launched, it then flew in the air for a few minutes, and then it broke apart and fell into the sea.

Explosion — Over-exaggeration of North Korea's rocket launch.

As for a modern North Korea, which its leadership enjoys attempting to portray, it hasn’t quite made it yet. If the launch had succeeded then it would have made it to the 1950s where the major Cold War participants were launching objects into the atmosphere.

But since it failed it is still stuck in the 1940s because that’s when Nazi Germany was planning to create and to an extent succeeded in creating rockets that could fly higher than a plane and be used as a weapon.

Still, keep trying, you’ll do it one day.

…And the Pointless

The Grand National was run on the 14^th of April 2012. I hope you managed to win some money – I certainly didn’t – but the main point here is that two horses died. One was the favourite Synchronised and the other was According to Pete. Both horses had fractured legs and had to be put down (shot).

But just like we get every year, we had animal rights groups complaining and moaning that the race should be banned. The reason why this story deserves to be put in this position is that we deal with this same trash every year. This year the leaders are the group called Animal Aid.

The Grand National is dangerous, that’s a fact you just can’t get over, however that’s part of the attraction of the Grand National. You could lower the height of the fences and the drops, like they did in 2011, but then what would be the point in even running the race anymore? Most of the millions it brings in every year are there because the race is dangerous.

Are we going to do away with a race that has been run since the 19^th century because a horse or two dies every year? This is nothing but a modern obsession with banning everything that has even the slightest risk associated with it. Fabrice Muamba almost died on the football pitch, and Serie B player Piermario Morosini did die on the football pitch this week, so should we ban football because it has a risk of causing heart defects to flare up? Of course we shouldn’t.

It’s sickening that these people, most of whom only watch racing once a year, have the audacity to say that part of this sport should be banned when they really have no place in it. I’m going to take some inspiration from trainer Paul Nicholls by telling detractors to “Grow up!”

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

President Obama has been on holiday this week. Instead of going to a traditional holiday hotspot he decided to partake in some relationship building with Latin America. Did this go well? As well it could possibly go considering the circumstances.

The agency that protects President Obama had a red face this week as 11 of its agents were suspended for allegedly breaking the rules and forsaking their duties. What did they do, you ask? Well first of all they broke their curfew, but that doesn’t warrant a suspension. What did, though, was them bringing women back to their hotel rooms.

Is there anything wrong with an agent letting off some steam at night, though? Of course not; it’s a stressful job, but all 11 women were supposedly prostitutes. And therein sits the problem.

Cheating — Symbolic of how eleven wives will react when they get home.

The reason they know that they were most likely prostitutes was because the hotel staff caught an agent and a woman arguing over whether he should pay her or not. Now, in my experience, that’s how you tell if someone has been caught with a prostitute.

A Positive Outlook for the Week

Normally, I would tell you how I’m looking forward to the great sports action next week, but I understand that sport is not everybody’s cup of tea (or coffee). But apart from that I’m struggling with this section because there’s not a whole lot going on at the moment.

I mean, politics is pretty boring at the moment because all that looks to be going on is the London Mayor hype. But that’s where it could be a blessing in disguise because when you look at all the interesting things that happen, they rarely come about on the crest of a wave. They usually charge out of the briny deep like an iceberg; it’s the 100^th anniversary of the Titanic sinking so I had to have something in there.

So maybe next week won’t be so bleak and irritating after all…

News in Briefs 25/03/12

This week’s News in Briefs is reporting on a very eventful week of news as the Government’s annual budget was released and something just seemed to be happening on all fronts. But does this necessarily mean that it was interesting news? Well that’s completely up to you to judge.

Political Oops of the Week

George Osborne must have thought that he had pulled a fast one when he announced his budget as most things were relatively positive with the increase of the personal allowance and the announcement that the country’s borrowing had been cut drastically, but then he announced his attack on the pensioners.

Within 24 hours his face was pasted on the front page of every major newspaper in the country with various combinations of the words “Granny Tax”, “Muggers”, and “You Bastard” (Ok, I may have made that last one up, but the sentiments remain the same). But why did Mr. Osborne make such a catastrophic political error?

If history has taught us anything there are two things you don’t touch in British politics. One of these is the NHS and the other is the pensioners. This is for two reasons: firstly, pensioners are old and have no shame so they will attack you mercilessly, and secondly, we all have a special place in our hearts for the pensioners who are now trying to enjoy a quiet retirement.

Angry old man — Wanna throw down, rich boy?

You can touch the single mothers, you can kick the poor, you can even kiss the behinds of the richest people in the country, but you never touch the pensioners. In my personal opinion, the chancellor presented a fairly good budget this year, but his mistake was amateurish and it practically wiped out all of his good work. So whatever possessed him to do this only he can know for sure.

The Painful…

Although I didn’t really delve into this subject last week, Fabrice Muamba has to appear on this list due to the sheer manner in which the incident occurred.

For those of you who don’t know, Fabrice Muamba collapsed in the middle of the game against Tottenham Hotspur last weekend and was practically dead for 80 minutes as he was unresponsive to CPR and the use of electric shocks. The good news is that he’s recovering well and will surely survive now, but the bad news is the impact it would have had on people around the country.

What we have to remember is that children will have been watching at that time and the cameras did capture Muamba having a cardiac arrest as he went into a type of fit. Judging from the reaction of the crowd and the deathly silence in the stadium, I believe that many people must have thought that they had just witnessed a 23-year-old man die in front of their eyes.

It was certainly quite painful to watch, but at least he’s recovering well. Get well soon, Fabrice.

…And the Pointless

As we can all imagine, Team GB have been training hard and working with more fire in their bellies than ever before for the summer Olympics in London. Wait, what? They haven’t? Well what have they been doing then? Oh, yes, I remember now, they’ve been spending their time modelling one of the worst outfits ever created by the hands of humanity.

Team GB really managed to embarrass themselves this week as they unveiled an ugly smudge of blue, indigo, sapphire, and whatever else was in there with a splodge of white stuck in the middle of it. Apparently the white is supposed to symbolise the flag of Great Britain in some parallel universe, but I’ll be damned if I can see it.

My question is what was wrong with the other outfits? And shouldn’t Team GB be getting someone else to mess around for the media when they are this close to the Olympics? I’m not going to argue over why they shouldn’t be wasting time on this, but I’ll leave the criticism to the entire nation who will no doubt be baying for blood when they fail to win a medal.

The So Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

This golden nugget of news appeared in the dying embers of this week as the shooting championships in Kuwait ended and the winners were honoured with their medals and national anthems, at least that’s how it should have happened.

All the athletes were honoured, and now it was time for the winner from Kazakhstan to be honoured with her national anthem. But Maria Dmitrienko stood dumbfounded as the anthem of her native country was actually that which the film Borat used during their mockumentary produced a few years ago.

But give the girl some credit because the Borat anthem didn’t stop Maria Dmitrienko from standing there with her hand on her heart without moving a muscle. The athlete didn’t seem to mind the Borat anthem too much, but her team were furious as they demanded an apology. Luckily, all was well as the medal ceremony was rerun and the organisers apologised.

However, from a personal point of view, I think they should have played the Borat anthem again for a second time just because it would have been utterly hilarious. What are they going to do shoot….ah never mind, they did the right thing. Rule #1 of real life trolling, never troll the winner of the international shooting championships more than once.

A Positive Outlook for the Week

This week’s positive outlook for the week is a little sparse because I’m not feeling all that positive at the moment. However, I will provide a couple of predictions for next week. The Labour Party will attack every single thing the Coalition has done in the last few weeks than more venom than ever before. And I’m going to be bold and say that Ed Miliband may come out of his shell and elevate himself in the eyes of many with his upcoming performance this week.

One area of world affairs I’m enjoying at the moment is North Korea and there rocket-powered satellite they intend on firing in honour of their Eternal President. As the launch date grows closer tensions are rising and it makes for very interesting reading as the most powerful nations in the world are essentially fighting with nothing more than an overweight child.

So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…

News in Briefs 18/03/12

Today was a pretty dull week until Saturday as we all got to watch Bolton player Fabrice Muamba have a heart attack in the middle of the football pitch. This was about the most exciting thing which happened this week for this News in Briefs writer as all was pretty quiet on the foreign front. But at least North Korea is attempting to make things mildly interesting again.

Political Oops of the Week

This is more of an imminent political oops as the Labour Party offices in Westminster were mysteriously broken into. Clearly this will bring back memories of the Watergate scandal which brought down a president (it was Nixon). But, then again, it also shows how crap we really are at scandals because in America we experience a presidential scandal with the most powerful man in the Western world at the centre of it all. In Britain, though, we experience the opposition to the most powerful man on this tiny island having his offices broken into; the most uninspiring, most uncharismatic, and the most uninteresting man in the Western world, I might add.

Ed Miliband — See, I can be interesting!

Obviously nothing has happened as of yet because nobody has been arrested for it. But what random burglar decides to break into the Labour Party offices? The only burglar which would even think of doing anything like that is one which has some sort of political motive. Is it to do with the Conservatives? I highly doubt it, but one of the smaller fringe parties, or even Labour dissidents could be at the centre of all this.

Don’t expect to hear anything about this for a long time, but when it eventually comes back to the surface again expect it to cause shockwaves which will be felt for a very long time to come. The clock is ticking.

The Painful…

Normally in this News in Briefs section we pick something incredibly painful which makes one cringe, but this time it’s more of a mix between literal and metaphorical pain. All of us will have heard about Sergeant Robert Bales who left his base to go massacre 16 innocent Afghan civilians, and I think all of us will have felt some sense of pain when it comes to this.

However, I’m not merely talking about the fact that 16 innocent people were killed because, let’s be honest, this happens every day in Afghanistan at the hands of foreign forces and it never gets reported. But the fact that this has been reported just after the problems caused by the burning of the Koran just makes you cringe.

The fact that the Americans have not allowed the soldier to stand trial in Afghanistan is only going to mean that the Taliban gain even more support and even more people are going to die because of it. Furthermore, look at the general fact that all of these problems are surfacing now; it just goes to show how ineffective the foreign powers truly have been in Afghanistan.

I guarantee that the moment all foreign troops leave the country Afghanistan will descend into open civil war between the puppet government of the Western nations and the deposed Taliban government. The fact that the media constantly touts Britain and the Western powers as being victorious makes me laugh every time.

…And the Pointless

But away from more sombre news, let’s move to something incredibly pointless yet so so hilarious. The Italian village, Falciano del Massico, situated just south of Naples, has now made it illegal to die in their village. Yes, you read that right, it’s an offense to die in that village.

The row came about as a result of a feud with a neighbouring village. Everybody loves a good row with their neighbours every so often, but, unfortunately, their neighbours also hold the only graveyard in the area. So in a beautiful tactical manoeuvre they are now refusing to bury Falciano del Massico’s dead.

What’s even more hilarious is the fact that the mayor of the village decided to do some real life trolling by creating this law. Then mayor, Giulio Cesare Fava, was found telling the newspaper that the law had brought happiness to the village, before finishing on a more disappointing note: “Unfortunately, two elderly citizens disobeyed.”

Best throw their asses in jail, Giulio!

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

This week, today actually, I read that the Government had made the decision to get rid of the Sunday trading laws for the Olympics. Now, you must all be wondering exactly why this seemingly innocuous news story has appeared in this section. Well, I’ll tell you why. Exactly why do we still have Sunday trading laws?

Last time I checked we live in the year 2012 not 1812, so the fact that we even have laws which dictate how trade works on this day of the week due to a silly thing like religion is quite frankly embarrassing. Unless you are an ardent advocate of religion, you must be irritated by the fact that if you want to go and buy something early in the morning then you can’t because everything opens at a later time than normal.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not a rant against religion in general. It’s not like that at all. What it’s a rant against is the inclusion of religion within politics, economics, and anything to do with life outside of religion. In the 21^st century religion has no place in the running of a country and should remain a private practice.

And, no, I don’t care whether David Cameron is trying to pretend that we are a Christian country or not because we’re not a Christian country. British people have this nasty habit of claiming that they’re Christian, but how many times do they really go to church or pray? The answer is that they just say they’re religious out of habit based on the traditions of their ancestors.

In reality, we are a secular country and religion is on the decline within this country. This abandoning of the Sunday trading laws will have a massive impact on the future of Sunday trading because I expect that we may see a permanent relaxing of these laws when they find out how well it works during the Olympics.

A Positive Outlook for the Week Ahead

With any luck Fabrice Muamba will pull through from his illness and he won’t die. Even if you don’t like Bolton Wanderers, and I don’t particularly, you have to be hoping that the boy pulls through and gets playing again as soon as possible.

The budget from Chancellor Osborne is going to appear this week. Many of you will be asking exactly why this is a positive thing, though. Well the main benefit is that the stream of writers who keep producing speculation pieces based on what the chancellor may or may not say in his budget report will disperse.

Apart from that there’s not a lot else to look forward to, which is a blessing in itself because next week will certainly bring up a few surprises that we haven’t considered yet.

So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…

News in Briefs 11/03/12

This has been a pretty boring week for the news if you were just watching the mainstream news feeds. But that doesn’t mean that we have nothing for you this week because even if politicians and morons (those two are pretty much the same thing) are not in the public eye it doesn’t mean that they haven’t been humiliating and embarrassing themselves just as much as usual.

Political Oops of the Week

It’s never nice when a few Islamic militants have you at gun point in a hostage situation. But this situation was made much more uncomfortable this week when British Special Forces attempted to rescue two hostages, one British and one Italian, in Nigeria. The problem was that they didn’t bother to tell their Italian allies about the rescue operation.

Surely this should have all been forgotten about, though, because the point is that the hostages are alive? Oh, wait. They’re not alive. They’re not alive because when the firing started the militants killed the hostages. If everything had gone well then this political embarrassment could have been forgotten about, but the fact that Britain attempted to demonstrate the size of its figurative balls by doing it all on its own just makes it even worse.

Rightly, the Italians are upset about all of this. But Foreign Secretary William Hague just made things worse when he was quoted as saying: the short amount of time we had to act “constrained how much we were able to consult others.”

So things were that urgent that you couldn’t have given the Italians a quick phone call? Exactly how long does it take to enter a simple phone number into your mobile phone? About ten seconds, twenty seconds if you’re Eric Joyce, and maybe even thirty seconds if you’re Boris Johnson. You didn’t necessarily have to coordinate with the Italians, but you could have at least given them a heads up about it.

It’s a good thing Berlusconi isn’t there anymore because he may have just slept with all your wives in retaliation!

David Cameron — So you say you didn't manage to dial the right number?

The Painful…

Everybody loves a news story they can relate to. This is another one of those stories as Richard Dale Fox killed his girlfriend in his California trailer home with a homemade cannon. Don’t worry, Richard, because we’ve all been there where we’ve accidently set off our homemade cannons and almost killed our loved ones, haven’t we?

His girlfriend died of shrapnel wounds as the projectile came through the window. Sadly, the authorities wouldn’t reveal exactly what the projectile was, or even how the cannon was made, but they did reveal that it was fired by using the same powder found in fireworks. Richard Fox was also taken to hospital with severe leg wounds as the cannon exploded when he fired it. This sounds very similar to the guy who tried to blow up a plane a few years ago but only succeeded in burning his own bollocks off. Maybe they are friends?

Cannon — What a perfect way to surprise my girlfriend!

…And the Pointless

David Cameron revealed something monumental this week. Ready for it? That’s right, David Cameron likes to play the game Angry Birds in his spare time. And, yes, this was reported on BBC News. It just makes this writer wonder exactly what the point of anything is anymore.

In most cases, it would be a case of me thinking that “Hey, it doesn’t matter to have a bit of light-hearted talk sometimes.” But what was particularly irritating was the fact that this was in the middle of a Government meeting. After a bit of digging, this was actually a part of some initiative where it gets children to report the news on the BBC website next week.

What a complete and utter waste of time and money. Why is this going to be of any use whatsoever? The children are going to be reporting on news that they really don’t know anything about. Do the BBC still think that people are attracted to the prospect of having some snotty-nosed bundle of irritation reporting on the news? The people I know who visit news websites are there for one reason: they are there to get the news quickly, simply, and easily. Not to have to wade through all the childish dribble which the BBC are going to be spreading all over their website.

News should be the news, children’s channels should be for children. It really is that simple.

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

Vladimir Putin is Russia’s new president, for the third time. Whether you’re a fan of Putin or not, though, you have to admit that the results of the election were a tad dubious when looking at some of Putin’s tactics this time round.

The exit poll predicted that Putin would win the election with at least a 60% majority vote, which he did, but the fact that some of his supporters were caught ferrying his supporters to vote at multiple polling stations does make it seem like it was a little rigged. And the fact that international overseers even admitted that the election favoured Putin doesn’t seem to have bothered any world leaders at all.

To date, all world leaders have acknowledged Putin’s victory, and Obama even phoned him personally from Air Force One to congratulate him. It does make one wonder exactly why nobody seems to be up in arms about this. But there’s no denying that the only reason Putin was out of the presidential office to begin with was because of the Russian constitution stipulating that you can only have two consecutive terms in office.

But, then again, when you look at the fact the Communist Party finished 2^nd, you start to see exactly why a little bit of corruption has perhaps done at least some good on this occasion.

A Positive Outlook for the Week

One item on the agenda which does look like it’s coming to an end is the Rangers FC administration case. The administrator stipulated on Friday that there was a Friday deadline for all buyers to put forward their bid to buy the club. This means that it looks like we will be seeing an end to this sorry saga quite soon. What’s more, the fact that the senior players all decided to take massive pay cuts means that Ranger won’t be going anywhere, so now Scottish Football won’t be made completely meaningless and pointless next season. Although, this writer still won’t be paying any attention to it.

As for everything else, the fact that there was very little going on this week leads to speculation that next week should be awash with lots of interesting news.

So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…

News in Briefs 26/02/12

It hasn’t been a good week for interesting news as all we have been stuck with is more news on Syria and yet more fights over the NHS. But while the main stories of the week have been as plain and boring as Ed Miliband making a political speech, if we dig below the surface then we can find some hilarious and interesting stories.

Political Oops of the Week

This is a bit of a premature time to be doing specials, but this week we have two stories which share this title.

The first story is about Labour MP Eric Joyce who was arrested and charged with common assault this week for flying off the handle in a House of Commons bar. Reportedly, the MP for Falkirk started shouting and insulting the Tories, dumping drinks over members, dancing terribly, and then directing his head into the face of Tory Pudsey MP Stuart Andrew (twice).

This is not only extremely embarrassing for the Labour Party, but it’s extremely embarrassing for British politics because how can these drunken idiots lecture and patronise the common folk of the country when they are flying off the handle? Essentially, it’s the equivalent of a bar fight on a Saturday night, but in an upper class manner. However, don’t expect any jail time for this MP, they play by different rules, remember?

But the Coalition Government fared no better either as our second story emerged on a BBC video of Nick Clegg having a humiliating slip of the tongue. Is this a window into his darker thoughts or just an accident? The rumour mill is out in full force!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17113209 (skip to the 20-30 second mark for the slip)

The Painful…

Whilst there are tonnes of painful moments from around the world, we will try and keep it relatively civil. And no, we won’t be providing any pictures or videos of their injuries you sick people!

This week the story involves a Harrogate teacher who set himself on fire in the school car park because he felt under pressure to obtain good exam results from his students. If this is not a message that teachers are under too much stress then what is?

As someone who was reportedly suffering from depression, and constantly on edge about coursework and exam results, Mr. David Charlesworth set himself on fire in the car park of the school and died of burns that destroyed 79% of his entire body.

Surely this has to bring up a point about the stress teachers are put under? Teachers are forced to make their students obtain high grades, but have they ever thought that the reason some students don’t obtain good grades is just because they are absolute morons who have no interest in education? You can’t teach what doesn’t want to learn.

…And the Pointless

The 26^th of February 2012 marks the day where Rupert Murdoch releases his latest creation to the British public, the Sun on Sunday. Ok, so the Sun is now joining the Sunday News battle, but I just have one question for Rupert Murdoch, the British public, and the British media. Who cares?

The Sun on Sunday has been spoken about as if it’s a new and revolutionary invention which has never been seen before. The newspaper is the same rubbish which is printed every other day of the week, but with a special Sunday title. Ooooooooo…

Looking at the amount of coverage this unveiling has received, it really does make you realise how dry the news has been this week because it’s so irrelevant. Ask your friends, your family, and the creepy guy at the bus stop this question: “Do you care about the new Sun on Sunday?” I guarantee that 90% of these people will reply with one of two lines: “The what?” or “No.”

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

Some stories just make you want to strangle the people involved. But 14-year-old British teenager Sammy Booth crossed these boundaries when she recently wrote a letter to a judge in order to save her drink-driving mother from jail. In the letter she wrote such lines as “My mum is a very good mum.” and “I’m scared for my mum and I’m scared for myself”

In normal circumstances this would be a heart-wrenching story, but her mother, Julia Cairns, was involved in a high-speed car chase with police after refusing to pull over. I’m sorry, but why should someone be spared from jail after endangering the lives of hundreds of people just because she has a kid? And more importantly, why should she get away from the normal punishment when the daughter is clearly telling lies in her letter?

I would lock her away and throw away the key because why should it be one rule for some and one rule for others? I mean, seriously, she’s not even an MP! This is not a criticism of the child because she’s too young to fully understand the law, but the mother is scum. And what’s more, the ones who were taking care of this case should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

Maybe I should make sweet, sticky love with my neighbour’s dog, take a dump on their bed, and kill their kid only to write a heart-wrenching letter to the judge after I’m hauled before the courts? Using this logic I should get off with about 70 hours of community service and a police caution. British justice: exactly where is the justice here?

Drunk Woman — No, really, my mum is a good mum.

A Positive Outlook for the Week Ahead

As for the week ahead, there are some positive things to look forward to. If we take a look at sport we will see that the Carling Cup Final between Cardiff City and Liverpool is today, which means that tomorrow we will either have back-page headlines of an underdog overcoming one of the giants of football or the story of the resurgence of Liverpool under a legend of both the club and English football.

The NHS debate has been raging for weeks now, and we have made absolutely no progress this week. Call it a hunch, but I believe that we will either see some progress or the NHS debate will fade away for a while this week. Some new and exciting news will hopefully replace it.

A few newspapers have also reported that the Leveson Inquiry into press standards will release its results this week. This is good news for two reasons: first of all, we will get to see some results from this long and drawn out process and, secondly, we will see the end of this inquiry which has dominated the press for months now.

So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…