Category: Columns

Today was a pretty dull week until Saturday as we all got to watch Bolton player Fabrice Muamba have a heart attack in the middle of the football pitch. This was about the most exciting thing which happened this week for this News in Briefs writer as all was pretty quiet on the foreign front. But at least North Korea is attempting to make things mildly interesting again.

Political Oops of the Week

This is more of an imminent political oops as the Labour Party offices in Westminster were mysteriously broken into. Clearly this will bring back memories of the Watergate scandal which brought down a president (it was Nixon). But, then again, it also shows how crap we really are at scandals because in America we experience a presidential scandal with the most powerful man in the Western world at the centre of it all. In Britain, though, we experience the opposition to the most powerful man on this tiny island having his offices broken into; the most uninspiring, most uncharismatic, and the most uninteresting man in the Western world, I might add.

Obviously nothing has happened as of yet because nobody has been arrested for it. But what random burglar decides to break into the Labour Party offices? The only burglar which would even think of doing anything like that is one which has some sort of political motive. Is it to do with the Conservatives? I highly doubt it, but one of the smaller fringe parties, or even Labour dissidents could be at the centre of all this.

Don’t expect to hear anything about this for a long time, but when it eventually comes back to the surface again expect it to cause shockwaves which will be felt for a very long time to come. The clock is ticking.

The Painful…

Normally in this News in Briefs section we pick something incredibly painful which makes one cringe, but this time it’s more of a mix between literal and metaphorical pain. All of us will have heard about Sergeant Robert Bales who left his base to go massacre 16 innocent Afghan civilians, and I think all of us will have felt some sense of pain when it comes to this.

However, I’m not merely talking about the fact that 16 innocent people were killed because, let’s be honest, this happens every day in Afghanistan at the hands of foreign forces and it never gets reported. But the fact that this has been reported just after the problems caused by the burning of the Koran just makes you cringe.

The fact that the Americans have not allowed the soldier to stand trial in Afghanistan is only going to mean that the Taliban gain even more support and even more people are going to die because of it. Furthermore, look at the general fact that all of these problems are surfacing now; it just goes to show how ineffective the foreign powers truly have been in Afghanistan.

I guarantee that the moment all foreign troops leave the country Afghanistan will descend into open civil war between the puppet government of the Western nations and the deposed Taliban government. The fact that the media constantly touts Britain and the Western powers as being victorious makes me laugh every time.

…And the Pointless

But away from more sombre news, let’s move to something incredibly pointless yet so so hilarious. The Italian village, Falciano del Massico, situated just south of Naples, has now made it illegal to die in their village. Yes, you read that right, it’s an offense to die in that village.

The row came about as a result of a feud with a neighbouring village. Everybody loves a good row with their neighbours every so often, but, unfortunately, their neighbours also hold the only graveyard in the area. So in a beautiful tactical manoeuvre they are now refusing to bury Falciano del Massico’s dead.

What’s even more hilarious is the fact that the mayor of the village decided to do some real life trolling by creating this law. Then mayor, Giulio Cesare Fava, was found telling the newspaper that the law had brought happiness to the village, before finishing on a more disappointing note: “Unfortunately, two elderly citizens disobeyed.”

Best throw their asses in jail, Giulio!

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

This week, today actually, I read that the Government had made the decision to get rid of the Sunday trading laws for the Olympics. Now, you must all be wondering exactly why this seemingly innocuous news story has appeared in this section. Well, I’ll tell you why. Exactly why do we still have Sunday trading laws?

Last time I checked we live in the year 2012 not 1812, so the fact that we even have laws which dictate how trade works on this day of the week due to a silly thing like religion is quite frankly embarrassing. Unless you are an ardent advocate of religion, you must be irritated by the fact that if you want to go and buy something early in the morning then you can’t because everything opens at a later time than normal.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not a rant against religion in general. It’s not like that at all. What it’s a rant against is the inclusion of religion within politics, economics, and anything to do with life outside of religion. In the 21^st century religion has no place in the running of a country and should remain a private practice.

And, no, I don’t care whether David Cameron is trying to pretend that we are a Christian country or not because we’re not a Christian country. British people have this nasty habit of claiming that they’re Christian, but how many times do they really go to church or pray? The answer is that they just say they’re religious out of habit based on the traditions of their ancestors.

In reality, we are a secular country and religion is on the decline within this country. This abandoning of the Sunday trading laws will have a massive impact on the future of Sunday trading because I expect that we may see a permanent relaxing of these laws when they find out how well it works during the Olympics.

A Positive Outlook for the Week Ahead

With any luck Fabrice Muamba will pull through from his illness and he won’t die. Even if you don’t like Bolton Wanderers, and I don’t particularly, you have to be hoping that the boy pulls through and gets playing again as soon as possible.

The budget from Chancellor Osborne is going to appear this week. Many of you will be asking exactly why this is a positive thing, though. Well the main benefit is that the stream of writers who keep producing speculation pieces based on what the chancellor may or may not say in his budget report will disperse.

Apart from that there’s not a lot else to look forward to, which is a blessing in itself because next week will certainly bring up a few surprises that we haven’t considered yet.

So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…