Samuel James White, sometimes known as Mr. Shiro, is a young writer from Leeds, England. As a full-time freelance writer, he writes articles on subjects like medical procedures, insurance articles, and even producing interviews with such figures like Emmanuel Ray, who was named Britain's Fashion Icon of the Year 2011. In the middle of his relentless struggle to make the jump from professional writer to published author he spends a day of his week working for charity.
With May being National Masturbation Month, it’s only right to have a dedicated post. Masturbation is healthy. It’s a way to relieve sexual tension and it’s also how the body ejects some of its waste products. But there are some people who compromise this healthy action. There are some people who should just stop.
First of all, all of these stories will consist of men as a study published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine discovered that teenage boys masturbate more than teenage girls. This is not designed to reveal anything particularly new, but they may be stories which you have never heard about before.
Broken Limb
Yes, somebody actually managed to break their third leg. It wasn’t through some exotic sexual manoeuvre – although I imagine that he will be telling his friends it was – it was through his own doing.
The guy who managed to break his penis, a Nigerian case report revealed, was actually twisting his penis towards himself with his right hand. It was sexually stimulating for himself, but the problem is that he heard a click and then felt lots of pain. But the good thing is that he could still have an erection after surgery, so all was not lost.
But this is actually a common way of masturbation and this very rarely has an impact on whether someone fractures their penis or not. Some people are more prone to fractures than others, but conventional techniques will rarely, if ever, have any detrimental effect.
Hitting it With a Foreign Object
The urethra is the place your urine comes out of. It rarely plays much of a part whilst sexually stimulating oneself through masturbation, but when you bring it into the equation it can have painful and humiliating outcomes.
One such incident occurred in Japan where a 40-year old man managed to stick a 55-inch tube into there for the purposes of masturbation. Eventually, he had to have it surgically removed due to the fact that it was causing bladder problems.
But this is the sort of thing that happens all around world; another individual stuck a copper wire up there, which inevitably led to it becoming entangled in his bladder. The point is that this is just something that should be avoided at all costs, no matter how sexually stimulating it may or may not be.
Suicide by Masturbation
Some people enjoy being strangled during sex. Don’t judge them, it might seem weird to you, but to them it’s completely normal.
On the other hand, some people take this too far, and one man certainly did as he managed to kill himself through this practice. Autoerotic asphyxiation is where the individual chokes themselves during sex or masturbation to deprive the brain of oxygen. People say that this dramatically increases the amount of pleasure felt during the ejaculation period. And it may well do. But it also puts your life at risk.
David Carradine is an actor who is believed to have died in this way as when the police found him he had a rope around both his neck and genitals. Now either he really annoyed somebody or he was hitting it pretty good that day. Although for an actor you would have thought that he would have no problem having sex with a real human being.
It seems strange to be talking about heating the world on your own, but there may be something to it as another group of animal has already managed to do it: the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs supposedly managed to heat the planet through their flatulence.
The Liverpool John Moore’s University, the University of London and the University of Glasgow came together to carry out a study on this, and they published their results in the science journal Current Biology.
They investigated the wind output of the cows of today, came up with a figure, and then scaled it up to match the Sauropods from millions of years ago. For those not in the know, Sauropods are the type of dinosaurs with long necks, large bodies, and small heads; just think of the brontosaurus.
They then compared the output of one Sauropod and scaled it up to match the estimated population of the dinosaurs. This then led to their final figure that the dinosaur population produced a massive 520 million tonnes of gas each year; which is handy for heating the world.
This may seem like a massive figure, but what we have to remember is that these animals were simply gigantic. They were taller than most of our buildings and the tops of trees could barely reach a Sauropod’s shoulders.
But why do these gases supposedly heat up the earth?
The answer is that whilst the gas produced from one’s rear-end is filled with many things, it also contains traces of methane. And methane is a greenhouse gas that heats up the earth. If you have lots of this then, in theory, the whole planet can be heated up by a population of dinosaurs. And its effects are well-documented as the Earth was supposedly ten degrees Celsius hotter than it is today, previous studies demonstrated, even if they didn’t know exactly why this was the case.
Furthermore, what we have to remember is that livestock and its methane emissions have been shown to have an impact on the global temperature. Granted, it pales in comparison to the impact that humans and their technology have on the environment, but it’s still there.
520 million tonnes a year is what they produced back then, and an estimated 500 million tonnes are what we have now. This may seem like there was very little difference between the two, however the difference is in who is producing it. The 520 million tonnes came purely from the dinosaurs themselves, whereas the 500 million tonnes is from everything currently on the earth. This can only mean that there would have been millions and millions more tonnes of unaccounted emissions in the time of the dinosaurs.
Obviously technology isn’t the only method used when heating the world. There are going to be more questions than ever now, though. If the dinosaurs could eclipse our emissions with all our technology then surely the potential impact of global warming isn’t as large as we initially feared? Perhaps there really is something to the argument that the current weather patterns are only as a result of the natural environment cycle of the Earth?
It was an eventful week in politics as the people of Britain took to the polls once again, even though it was a rather pathetic 32% turnout in the large majority of places. The football season in sport is coming to an end, and we have more idiocy and stupidity from America.
Oh and I enjoyed my trip in Brighton, if anyone was wondering.
Political Oops of the Week
I could go for the easy option and just rip into the fact that the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives were soundly beaten in these local elections, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to rip into the fact that the Liberal Democrats were beaten in the Edinburgh local elections by a penguin standing six feet tall from Planet Pipe.
His name was Professor Pongoo and he entered the local elections as an independent candidate. But the Liberal Democrats were humiliated when the penguin polled more votes than their party. In fact, Professor Pongoo polled 444 votes, the Lib Dems polled 370, and the Green Party polled 322. Nick Clegg and friends have really fallen from a great height since they entered power in Westminster.
The new face of British politics.
In other news, something utterly hilarious happened as whilst Labour leader Ed Miliband was walking around Southampton, in order to brag how well he has been doing, he was hit on the shoulder by an egg that splattered over his nice new suit. Clearly the message is that you just can’t win when it comes to politics.
The Painful…
This section is brought to us by Italian football this week. Fiorentina manager Delio Rossi was sacked after he beat the living hell out of one of his players.
The incident occurred when he took the Serbian player Adem Ljajic off after 22 minutes. But Adem wasn’t too happy about the Fiorentina manager bringing him off so early so as he walked off he performed an ironic round of applause for his boss’s tactical mastery.
Not going to take this from some scumbag from the former Yugoslavian nation, the Fiorentina manager fell into the bench area and decided to teach him a lesson in pain. Adem was lucky because when his boss was pulled away it looked like he was lining up a punch, and it didn’t look like it was going to be a weak one. But he gained the final victory as the manager was sacked and the Italian press turned in his favour.
…And the Pointless
Have you ever loved a car or motorbike so much that you wanted to have sex with something right after driving it? On a personal note, the answer is never, but for other people I’m not too sure anymore because American Henry Wolf is attempting to sue BMW over this sort of problem.
Is this the cure for erectile dysfunction?
He’s claiming that a permanent erection has been caused by a motorbike ride through San Francisco, California, which lasted four hours. His main ‘consequence’ according to him is that he is now unable to engage in sexual activity. Now this is quite strange because I would have thought that if you had a permanent erection you would be the perfect person to have regular sexual activity.
For once, the man would be able to outlast the woman!
The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious
My first question has to be: “Why is it always the Americans?”
And it really is always the Americans when it comes to crazy, religious, anti-gay nut jobs. The latest anti-gay nut job is a pastor from North Carolina, who preaches at the Berean Baptist Church in Fayetteville. Sean Harris recently made headlines when he suggested in a sermon that parents should beat their children for “looking gay”
This anti-gay nut job then went even further by claiming that he was similar to Jesus. Last time I checked, Jesus wasn’t a nice person all the time, but he didn’t preach hatred towards gay people. And I don’t even recall him preaching hatred towards anyone really. He turned a few tables in the temples, but he didn’t really hate them. He was the preacher of love, good, and all of that other wonderful stuff.
Yahweh (God), on the other hand, was the vengeful one. However, I suppose that this is just something that will blow over after a while. This sort of thing never stands up for long. Sean Harris seems like a Westboro Baptist Church wannabe really.
A Positive Outlook for the Week
Do you remember when current French president Nicolas Sarkozy acted like a total douche bag to David Cameron when it came to Europe? And do you also remember the rule of what goes around comes around? I do, and it seems to be true as this time next week he could be out of office. It’s quite funny how arrogant he was with his supermodel girl and his power over all of France, and now the world is watching him squirm.
Bahahahahahahahahahaha...
In other news, the Iranian president Ahmadinejad is apparently falling out of favour in his own country. So could we be looking at the end of another tyrant? Although, you shouldn’t get your hopes up as his replacement will probably be one of those cases where everything gets much worse and we all end up craving for his return.
So maybe next week won’t be so bleak and irritating after all…
No, it’s not because they would much rather be making their man a sandwich in the kitchen, it’s because of their treatment at an early age. I think that all of us will remember those old-fashioned PE lessons where some old man/woman who obviously couldn’t teach would scream and yell things at the fat kids because they couldn’t bench press one of their peers over the banister of the stairs. And this is apparently what has put many girls off of sport.
The research carried out by Loughborough University measured the differences in attitudes to sport between girls and boys. The figures showed that around 60% of girls and boys aged eight did at least five hours of exercise each week.
However, for 14-year-old girls this had been halved down to 31%, whereas 50% of 14-year-old boys completed at least five hours of exercise a week. In other words, this means that girls are generally being put off sport by the time they reach the middle of their high school education.
Common complaints included things like many girls weren’t confident of their sporting ability in PE lessons, they didn’t like exercising in front of boys, and they felt that teachers generally didn’t pay attention to those with less sporting ability.
All of these things are valid complaints as we all know that those who are useless at the conventional sports, such as hockey and football, are going to be laughed at by their peers. This only leads to a lack of self-confidence and a reduction in their desire to continue with sports of any kind.
Let’s look at another complaint. They don’t like exercising in front of boys. In the past this wouldn’t be a problem as being a gentleman was more of the done thing. That doesn’t happen now because now you have sex-charged maniacs who think that it’s ok to sexually harass members of the female gender. I’m not talking about rape or anything physical, I’m talking about the verbal abuse and the other comments that girls all around the world, and of all ages, have to put up with on a near daily basis.
And finally, the fact that teachers generally won’t pay attention to those girls who are no good at sport is something that has persisted for generations. The only way many of these teachers can motivate those who are not interested is to scream at them, and that only pushes them further away. The solution to this problem is that you need to find teachers who can actually teach PE lessons, as screaming is the sign of a teacher who can’t teach without descending to the motivational techniques of the white supremacist who drives a vehicle to work which runs off the bodies and broken dreams of an African-American family.
WHICH PART OF NON-STOP 16 MILE RUN DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!
As the research suggests, people need to accept that not everybody is interested in competitive sports. But it’s still important to remain as fit as possible, and this doesn’t have to come as a result of competitive sports. Walking, cycling, and dance classes are all perfectly valid forms of exercise.
Moving away from the main point, though, I will admit that the reduction in the number of people carrying out regular exercise is going to be partially down to the fact that our society isn’t one that encourages physical activity. Most of the technical advances of the last 30 years have been great, but they have also been simultaneously directing people towards doing less physically.
So all of this can’t be put at the feet of what happens in schools.
When somebody has an idea a light bulb bursts into life above their heads so everybody knows about it. Ok, not really, but what if we could create a light bulb that lasts for 20 years? Think about it, if you had a 20-year light bulb for every room in the house then by the time you have to replace it your kids will have left home. And that’s one less task to be dealing with.
But the future is already here because a 20-year light bulb has gone into production in America. The Dutch electronics giant Philips is the creator of this and has set its new invention for release on Earth Day. It was originally created as an entry for the Bright Tomorrow competition, which aimed to find an alternative to the 60-watt lights that will be phased out in America by 2014, and are already completely out of production in Europe.
The bulb is a change from your normal source of light, though, because it doesn’t use any filaments. Instead, it uses light-emitting diodes (LED) to light up a room. And it’s these LEDs that have created the long-lasting qualities and hefty price tag associated with this bulb.
In America you can expect to fork out the equivalent of £37 for one of these bulbs. Even though it seems to be quite hefty, it’s probably a good idea in the long-run because you have to remember that it’s £37 for 20 years. Now that’s good value.
And yes, I can already hear many people commenting on the fact that new bulbs in general tend to have very cold and sterile glows. But this 20-year light bulb was created to keep the warm glow and be more energy efficient.
The only issue is that we’re not sure how well this is going to go down with an average person as the only reason Philips won was because it was the only entrant in the competition. So really it won by default.
On a side note, I’m not sure whether the fact that it was the only entry means that Philips is the only firm capable of creating this sort of device or whether it’s just because most people couldn’t care less. I sincerely hope that it’s the former.
Nevertheless, if it works then expect to see these LED bulbs in houses all around the world quite soon. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t demonstrate the very worst of a cold and heartless modern world.
Oh look, the potential fuel strike made yet another appearance. But this time both the unions and the Government said that people shouldn’t panic buy. Some people really need to learn something about the concept of keeping one’s mouth shut.
And, for some reason, Ed Miliband started moaning that the Bahrain Grand Prix should be called off due to alleged human rights abuses. Last time I checked, taking a car and racing it around a track had absolutely nothing to do with politics or human rights. Shut up, Ed!
Political Oops of the Week
It’s been a long time since we’ve all had a good laugh at the British National party (BNP) and those associated with them. Luckily, the upcoming election for the post of London mayor has given us the opportunity to laugh again.
Carlos Cortiglia, who is obviously of British descent, is the BNP’s candidate and he wants to implement free travel for families at weekends. He claims it will provide more access to London for more people, and it will increase the revenue levels for the city. It will certainly increase revenue in some areas, but how much would the travel sector have to fork out in terms of transport?
This is a valid question and this was put to him by a BBC journalist. They asked exactly how much it would be to implement this plan, and he replied: “I don’t give appreciations in terms of numbers.”
Here, have a fire-breathing caterpillar coated in gold on me!
So you don’t like to produce facts, figures, and numbers when it comes to big programs like this, Mr, Cortiglia? Then you’re probably not the best individual to be holding a political office. Essentially, what you are saying is that money is no object and you don’t know and you don’t care how much it costs.
It’s like its 1933 all over again and the Nazis have just come to power. Strangely enough, Nazi Germany was nearly always in complete and utter debt because the ruling party didn’t care much for numbers either. In fact, that’s part of the reason they went to war in 1939 instead of later on because they needed the resources and the money.
Still, political parties tend to follow their direct descendents.
The Painful…
New 10p and 5p coins set to be released in Britain have been coated in nickel in order to save money. The only problem is that medical experts are claiming that around 10% of the population are allergic to nickel.
So like responsible and intelligent people, the Mint decided to ignore all medical advice, all previous experiences with the potential of implementing nickel coins in Sweden, and the possibility of carrying out any health tests at all and surge ahead with their plans.
This is almost beyond belief when we look at the economics of the whole measure. The Mint is predicting that this will save around £10m a year due to the rising cost of copper. However, what we have to remember is that local councils are going to have to change all of their public machines, at an estimated cost of £5.5 million. Furthermore, the cost of recalibration has been estimated at a cost of £100m. And that’s before we start talking about the potential costs to the NHS due to additional cases of skin problems.
So any savings will only be seen in the generations after us, and even then, what if the price of copper falls? Then it’s a complete waste of time and we all would have lost money. It’s so illogical that it’s embarrassing.
…And the Pointless
The internet is under attack again as MPs call for better protections to protect children against porn. Now here’s some pointless news. When will these old fogies realise that you can’t protect children against this sort of thing in the current society we live in. It’s just impossible and it won’t work. Why won’t it work?
For a start, it’s not difficult to get past the arbitrary blocking methods used on the internet. Secondly, most parents are too damn lazy to implement the parental controls necessary to block their children. If the problem is really as bad as everyone is making out then stop attacking the internet and start attacking useless parents.
Furthermore, I can’t grasp how it would protect them against anything like this because the increasing sexualisation of children is due to many factors. And the availability of porn on the internet is a very small one.
Look at the terrible parents who let their children dress like sluts, look at the celebrities which celebrate dressing like a third rate prostitute, and look at the fact that sex and getting rid of one’s virginity is seen as the biggest task of a teenager’s life in this country.
Trust me when I say that the internet doesn’t hold the answers.
The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious
This week’s hilarious news comes from the Employment Minister Chris Grayling. It’s actually quite funny when you think about it because it’s so absurd. We all know that business is about making money and making profits. Naturally, you want the best employees to fulfil that role. And if you truly care about your business then you are not going to care about where they are from.
But Chris Grayling thinks that British businesses should hire some local chav to do the work instead. In fact, his words were these:
“It’s easy to hire someone from Eastern Europe with five years’ experience and many employers choose to do so,” he went on to say that: “But those who look closer to home find gems too – turning round the lives of somebody from a poor background, given no real opportunity in life – and end up up with a model employee as a result. So we should give these young people a chance.”
Is he serious?
Chris Grayling looks and sees an employee of the month, but everybody else looks and sees a waste of space.
I could end up with a model employee, but I could also employ the modern employee with a good track record, so why should I waste my time? Are you going to give me or my business an incentive to do this? No, you’re not. What you fail to understand, Mr. Chris Grayling, is that business is a global one. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or Australian. If you can do the job then I will employ you because I have no incentive to do otherwise.
I’m not going to reward some bloody chav for sitting on a street corner and throwing their own lives away when I can reward an Eastern European worker who has made something of themselves. If they are out of work because they didn’t listen at school, spent most of their time drinking, or decided to hump their way through the greater Metropolitan area then that’s their bed and they can lie in it.
A Positive Outlook for the Week
The positive news is I will be away in Brighton next week, so I get to leave this horrible city. But on the negative side of things, I won’t be writing this column next week as that is in the middle of when I’ll be away.
But for some reason, I don’t know why, I have a good feeling that something really good is going to happen next week. I have a feeling that the potential fuel strike will end well, all the rubbish about the Bahrain Grand Prix will evaporate, and something major and interesting will happen.
So maybe next week won’t be so bleak and irritating after all…
